Every time you don’t quit, you’re re-writing your story.
Well, it’s another Monday and another start-over. THIS is the week I’ll magically transform into a self-disciplined woman who eats moderately, balanced, and healthfully.
She does not hide in the pantry with an open sleeve of Ritz crackers or lime-flavored tortilla chips, crunching them down in the dark. Nope, never that.
I’m sure it seems like insanity to normal eaters. People without addictive food behaviors say, “Just eat less.” Yeah… I never thought of that. Silly me.
Okay, I ate less. Now what do I do about the food noise screaming at me on high decibel? What about the crabbiness and shakiness when I don’t get my sugar fix? How do I eat just the right amount to be “normal,” when the right amount feels unsatisfying?
I know from past experience that I can get past this point. I’ve done it dozens of times since my teen years. A week or so of white-knuckle carb deprivation, soul-wrenching sadness, relationship testing bitchiness and hourly meltdowns…. and yep, the cravings are gone just like magic.
And now do the whole new eating mindset, shopping changes, recipe changes, pantry cleanouts and social situations where normal food (read: carb-y or processed) isn’t allowed.
God forbid I slip up, and all could be lost. Has been lost, actually, umpteen times.
And then another Monday startover.
Food addiction is a monster that can be put to sleep, but it never dies. Addiction of any kind is a giant that waits in the wings one’s entire life. Once reawoken, it jumps back to life and picks up right where it left off. It’s a never-ending struggle.
I’ve dealt with carbohydrate addiction since I can remember. But I only began fighting it at age 13, when it became a problem – when I started putting on weight.
That’s when I started dieting.
Then every Monday, every new week or month or season became a Start Over. Every January 1 or my birthday was a fresh start and “This Year” I’d become a normal eater and stop fixating on food control – or lack thereof.
It’s a horrible cycle. With each round, the addiction (mental and physical) gets stronger and the weight goes up.
I just can’t accept that.
- How can I be the woman I want to be, when I’m 50 (60?) pounds overweight and the scale creeps higher every year?
- When my body slows and my health declines because it’s too hard to move well with extra weight?
- When my personal style is lost under fat-lady clothes, when social situations become embarrassing reminders of my size?
- When I can’t get down on the floor and play with my granddaughters because I can’t get back up?
- When I avoid doctor’s visits because of shame and
- I just don’t have the energy to do anything meaningful with my life?
I can’t be the woman I want to be, when controlling food cravings feature center to every part of my life. Where is life’s value and the richness that?
It’s not about dieting. It’s about addiction.
I deserve to live into the potential of my dreams. I’ve lived long enough fighting this monster.
Today’s another Monday, and I’m picking up the fight again.
WWTBD? She’d get up and do the next right thing.
That’s what I’m going to do.
XO Jane
